I hate Friday’s

I hate Friday’s. Not because I like to work, but because I hate to work a 9 to 5 for life and that sweet feeling of the weekend and playing video games late on a Friday night is a lie. It is a drug that keeps you complacent. It feels so good but it is a chain that keeps you captive in an employee life style. I know it all too well. The resentment of working for another company. Fulfilling the dreams of another when I say “That could be me!”. Maybe, at the heart of it the lifestyle I had to create; the mentality; the philosophy for me to feel alive in a pressing cushion of life that is of an entrepreneur. This puts me in a stalemate. What to do? How do I start? I want to do it alone because the feeling of getting help from the people you need most and then being guilt trip for not following their commands after taking something from them that they give you… that… that brings me destruction. Rage. Obliteration. Do you understand? It tears me apart. As I sit there, in silence. By my self, two thousand miles apart from the only people I know. I felt that. How do you pick up yourself? How do you live when the sweet bliss of nothingness calls to you. You walk blindfolded. You take the first step. You do it because you are more afraid of death than you are of picking yourself up and confronting reality. I am no strong person. I hide in my defenses. I was given the opportunity to walk through a field of poisoned spikes in the cold winter of solitude. I was bleeding out from my addiction. The gnats were nagging at me. The flies were pestering me. Yet I still lived. I could not end my misery. So, what do you do? You crawl. You crawl and when you can’t crawl, you drag. You drag your broken body and never give into evil. You never give into the dark side. You crawl with broken toes, broken legs, broken arms, a broken mouth that can’t scream for help because you are not dead and you have no other choice. It just made sense. You didn’t feel. There was nothing to feel. You numb it out. So, you just drag. You drag, and drag, and drag, and drag your stupid body and soul through the fields of despair. And when you finally make it out, or maybe you never do, but the very act of believing and not letting the physical state of your body get to you. That is when you truly made it out. So, Friday’s scary me. The darkness calls to me. Death; the death of complacency and comfort is warming. However, that is not being alive. It is an illusion. One day you will realize. Whether it is today, or the day you die; from one to another; be weary. Be cautious. Be conscious. Listen. Not to the void of death, but to the sky of light. It is blinding, especially if all you know is warm darkness. But look. And once you have a look; there’s no going back.