Picture this: A male Mexican-American born to immigrant parents in an abusive relationship in 2001 in Santa Ana, CA. Youngest of four siblings to a mother who rejected and left the father in 2008, she had grand dreams for her children in America. She was born in Mexico to a father drowning in debt and an illiterate mother who worked selling chicken and groceries at the market. There was no money and little food for the seven siblings (maybe 9 I don’t remember). The second (or third eldest), she worked at a young age hustling food with her younger sister and did not even finish high school. Fast forward to the birth of her fourth child with an abusive partner from the same part of Mexico, she left him and raised her four children (with the help of her friends and two brothers who also immigrated). This boy; the youngest of four siblings was always picked on and jump scared, who had a smarter older brother by two years of age who always beat him in any challenge, whose dad had a preference for his older brother and never guided this youngest child; no wonder he humped his mother’s leg and enjoyed being her baby. Maybe his head was a little slow, but he did not learn to socialize so when he got to high school, he was not able to get pussy. He ruined his relationships and many opportunities because he was scared. He worked a morning job, went to high school, went to an afterschool program, and went to college classes all within the same day by taking the public bus which covered miles. All in one day. That was the weekday; then, on the weekend, he dedicated his Saturday to another academic program. When he asked to go out Sunday, his mother rejected him and told him once he was done with homework. Also, when he finished pages of math, english, and dozens of pages of reading, no one could take him to the mall. He had to go on the bus with no money to spend. He was so tired his senior year that when he was suppose to check his college portal for the college he applied to so he can send his SAT scores (which he took four times to barley get 1100), no one told him to do that so his college applications got withdrawn from eight schools. He was so sure he would get into the University of Michigan. He worked his butt off that last four years and gave up so much of himself. He even went the extra mile and submitted fifteen college applications to get the scholarship he never received because he burnt himself out and despised his life as a 16-year-old he quit the weekend afterschool program to the great disappointment of others. Wabash college was suppose to be a throw-a-way college because he would never go to an all boys school. He wanted pussy after masturbating so long in high school and still being a virgin. He cannot go to Wabash College. He will not go to Wabash College. Since he was going to be an engineer, UC Merced and Wabash College were his only options. After considering financial aid and academic prestige of both colleges, he swallowed the bitter-cold and grainy pill by numbing his needs and desires in order to go to Wabash College. His masturbation habit became an addiction; he was a fiend. He only knew how to do school so when he needed the rest of his life to carry him through intense engineering school, he failed. He switched to Psychology to graduated fastest and put engineering on the back burner: he will return to become an engineer and make his mom proud. After five years and fifty thousand dollars in debt, he completed his grueling journey with a Psychology degree. The plan continues: he returned home and went to community college to study Electrical Engineering after extensive research and determining that completing lower division engineering classes was the best option to apply and get in a Master’s program for engineering. Oh, I forgot: his suave (sarcasm: he put a cringey and pathetic dating profile in all conceivable dating apps) and jaw dropping charisma gave him the opportunity to meet a sweet and lovely girl near his school. She eventually became his girlfriend (shortly after four months of meeting her because he was only suppose to be a one-night-stand and a normal / boring college boy; not a sex maniac who is addicted to masturbation and deprived of sex (not that he deserves it but it is a basic need like hunger that needs to be fulfilled some way or another)), which is important because of what happens next. But before that, you must know this young boy walking though life with a limp (metaphor) is six feet tall, skinny, decent facial features (varies by person), not mean or cocky because he is scared shitless and fill with guilt and imposter syndrome because Wabash College is filled with six foot five monster’s with six packs, cars, four point zero GPA’s, and money in their bank account (max I had at the same age was like one thousand because a round trip to Wabash College from California was about five hundred dollars a piece (times two per year)). Basically, he was a decent looking Mexican-American but scared shitless with no hobbies but destroying his dick watching big tit and big ass pornstars. So, when he finally receives a reply back from a girl (which he didn’t even look at her profile since he swiped-right endlessly) who said she was coming over, he didn’t care that she was a little chubby or not conventionally attractive or told him she had a “hoe phase” a couple years back after he had sex. He was dying of thirst (sex) and wanted to end his pain. He didn’t expect her to come back because everyone he wanted walked out of his life and everyone that wanted him; he walked out of their life. So, when she came back the next weekend, and the weekend after that combined with the post nut clarity, for once he felt heard and happy and felt like he mattered. He was at the point of his life where bad bitches are inanimate objects because he he no money, no game, no bitches, nothing. All he thought about was sleeping with bad bitches but when he was absolutely without-a-doubt unmistakably terrified of looking a hot girl in the eye, let alone thinking of talking to one, he was stuck and scared and suffering and anger all of which was growing by the day. (Goddamn, this kid was an incel. Not by choice though. This was dangerous and it is scary to think about. Also, he is not the only one even though he overcame this great challenge.) Being fulfilled and treated like an equal and being given some leeway / foot to get a grip on life, he truly loved this girl and stayed despite his disgusting abandonment issues making him think this girl was cheating on him. In order to go to sleep, this guy had to picture this girl being rammed by an orgy of good looking powerful man only to lie to his face just so that boy who had been cheated on, can smile in the face of this girl when she inevitably cheated on him and told him in his face. She never cheated on him. Fast forward to 2024 when this kid returned home in California to go to community college and start his engineering career: he did long distance with this sweet, smart, hardworking, gorgeous girl who although perfectly imperfect, also had some trauma. So, this boy who was a masturbating fiend, who dreamed of sleeping with so many girls but only had a body count of three, who knew he had the most amazing girl that mattered more than anything, who was doing long distance for at least a year, who needed tutoring to do goddamn engineering but was terrified and guilty of asking for help from a teacher or tutor, who could not keep friends for the life of him, completed his Psychology degree in May of 2024 and did engineering from August 2024 to December 2024. He could not do it; he dropped computer science after failing it before and passing the same class before; his back hurt too much; he acid reflux ramped up because he would have sudden relapses from masturbation he would ejaculate ten times back to back; he could not stop checking out every girl that walked in front of him because he was starving of sex; he took too long to learn material from each of his classes; he was not the top of any of his class; he would take out his anger at his perfect girl; his mom would fight everyday with his sister and she would get a heart attack any time soon; his nieces looked up to him because he was the only one who gave him what his father didn’t and his mother couldn’t so he could not do homework at home; eight people lived in a two room apartment with two bathrooms so he had no privacy to study without interruption besides his dinner table. Not only that, but he didn’t know there was an accelerated program for people exactly in his situation who got a degree in an non-related engineering background but wanted to get a degree in engineering (LEAP program at Massachusetts), so after asking a friend for advice he stuck to a Master’s degree program because there was no financial aid for a second degree at the schools he applied too. Also, a Bachelor’s degree in engineering is a standard rule so getting a job without one could potentially cause huge problems. Already having a degree from a school with a strong network he decided to kill his dream and realizing he did not need to prove himself. He is only hurting his relationship with his amazing girlfriend and risking a heart attack or stroke from his masturbation-addiction and long-distance-relationship. Plus, he was defying his mom who ran the home they lived at so he was “biting the hand that was feeding him”. That leads to January 2025, when he took a ten day vacation to see his loving girlfriend in Illinois after a big fight in December. After announcing his retirement of pursuing engineering as soon as Fall 2024 ended, he did nothing at home (he was thinking about the future). However, since he had school his whole life and his worth was based on the productivity of results he showed, he felt useless and like a freeloader. This is the guy who washes his mom’s dishes because she complains the sister with two kids doesn’t do enough around the house; the type of guy who is always thinking about his mom and sister and brother and can’t seem to get away from them because they are screaming for help through their useless complaints that nothing is changing and they can’t get ahead in life. Never learning how to relax and enjoy no more school, he fell back into his addiction. It was ruthless and he ghosted his girlfriend because he wanted more from her. After ghosting her for one day, they talked and decided to figure out where they were going and how they were going to fix their problems if they stayed together. He left to Illinois. They had the conversation and in order to not break up, she had to go through his phone because she didn’t trust him and his handsomeness because he didn’t really have friends and never really talked about anyone besides the one friend he had and because he followed some girl on Instagram after playing FortNite because he never talked to strangers who were women or texted any girls and for once could build a relationship with a girl because he doesn’t know how she looks like and could be ugly for all he knows. She texted him as soon as he followed her because either she or her best friends distrust him and stalk him. That’s why she had to look through his phone and found nothing because he has been loyal and even the closest person could not believe the man he is. Where he came from. He’s too good to be true. But if only you understand what he went through; the places his mind has been; the isolation and loneliness this man has been through. He is fighting everything he sees a beautiful women he just wants to get to know because he knows if he breaks his girlfriends heart, he will lose everything. He put his heart and soul into this girl and even though it is normal for a man to desire another women; especially if he has a low body count and does his damn best to give her everything he’s got because they can find a way together; it is a pain he cannot extinguish for the life of him because that is what it means to be alive. That is what it means to be human. After that incident and distrusting his partner for never truly trusting him after opening the blinds into his heart, soul, past; she still didn’t trust him. Whatever, he thought. People are not on his level. Even the best. Let’s just move on. Now, after the tenth day of vacation and deciding together with his girlfriend that he will return to Illinois after two months and working a little, he had yet to tell his mom. He already told his sister, but telling his mom was dangerous. Not only would she push him down and push him farther away from herself (she was the only person to unconditionally love him as a child), he needed her support to not feel guilty when she made food for everyone or when she said goodnight to everyone except him. He could take it. A couple more months. So, on the day he returned home, and he casually talked to his uncle on getting a job, she questioned him. She suspected this job was not to stay home. He is scheming. She was right. So, this boy who was controlled by his mom his whole life; who gave him food and guilt tripped him for not being enough; not becoming an engineer; for not saving the family; for taking up more space and oxygen; he was not scared. He was not scared at what she would throw at him for she did not know him anymore. He was a stranger to his own mother. The same baby boy who suckled on her breast for life. The same boy who she sacrificed her whole life for. The same boy who she made five lunches for him and his friends every day in middle school because he would not eat at school and he would split the only lunch she brought to him to his friends. How cruel this world is. This boy was not scared to tell her I am leaving the very place that is killing me in the inside because it is not a home. He looked her in the eyes are told her how she was wrong. She could hit him; she could make him bleed; she could stab him and he would not even feel pain because the emptiness he feels from not being heard by her hurt more that any hit. That is what it means to live. That is what it means to be alive in a cruel world. That is what it means to transcend the chains of greed, pride, and ego. He was kneeling at the legs of his beloved mother. The same mother he hit with the cold harsh words of reality. She could have had a heart attack just there. She could have had a stroke. The very same outcome he was trying to prevent between his sister and mother he could has created through his stubbornness. Fear. Fear gripped his whole life but then, in those very moments, he felt nothing because from a life of continual disappointment and hurt, he learned to turn off his emotions to protect himself and to think clearly in traumatic situations. Fear was there; but it was off. He could lose a part of himself; his mother could die; he could lose everything after telling his girlfriend about the crazy family he has; but he was accepting it. He was grateful that he was able to try. Whatever happens then; happens. He has no control thus nothing has control of him. He is free. His mother said he had fifteen days to move out before she kicks him out (just because he was going to work a little (and pay rent) while he found a job in Illinois so he can move out. He is out of their world; he is kicking himself out and removing the “problem”)). He said, “I will stay and on the sixteen day, I want to see you throw my clothes outside”. In his mind, his mind was desperately thinking of places that would accept him because he does not want to be a burden to his loving girlfriend. He cannot ask his father for help. He has no one else. He told her this while looking at the eyes of an angry mother who once would do anything in the world for her child. “Hit me”, he thought. For the pain of letting you down hurts more than the pain of you not understanding. That was January 2025.
Writing this hurts my heart. Not in a metaphorical way, but in a sympathetic and sentimental way where my heart yearns for this boy to heal. All the blows he inflicted on himself for trusting people; trusting this cruel world; make his heart heavy. It would be the death of him. He knows he has much to give; but one never knows their limits and how much any single piece of themselves can give. That is The Human Condition Problem. It is not pretty. It is not fun. It is hard work. If it is hard, then that means you are doing it right. For the moment it becomes easy, you must look again for a new question to answer. What happens to the boy; only time will tell. Who this boy is; well that doesn’t matter. For the moments in time and space that define this person; well it applies to us all. We all will face our own fears; our own story. It is not pretty and it is scary and we will all fail. If you are failing, then you are doing it right. The most important thing is how we fail. Did you fail because you stuck to your moral standards and ethos? Or did you fail after you switched teams and became a sell out? No one will blame you for selling out your team and family. There have been one hundred billion people on this Earth and billions of them were sellouts. However, they are forgotten. In the face of fear and uncertainty, will you stay true and live for something? That is the story of us all. That is what defines us: our decisions.
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