Yet here I am, once again. Not because I want too, but because I have too. I am wallowing in my slumber of disappointment and failure. I was suppose to be an engineer who makes a lot of money! I was suppose to give my money to my mom and my family. I was suppose to be their savior. I was suppose to be their leader. I was suppose to be but I failed. I could not continue school. All I have is a stupid Psychology degree with 50 thousand dollars in debt. I am unemployed and addicted to adult films applying to jobs with no avail. I have barley any money in my bank account and if it wasn’t for my uncles, I would need to find a job before I move out. I was suppose to be the golden child. I was suppose to be the high school role model to my high school. I was suppose to go to a prestigious college as a poor minority and make it. I was suppose to be a legendary figure in my school. I was suppose to make big bucks and every time I walk into my home I am greeted by smiles and I stand tall. I am suppose to be someone for my nieces. For my siblings. I sit and write this as if I have no strength: slumped. Damn, I even forgot the message of this post. I am confused. I am lost. It is like I am in zero gravity spinning endlessly with no direction. I am scared. What if this is how I die? I want to keep believing in my fantasy that I will save the world. I guess that is my savior-god complex in me that I must kill. It is hard. It feels like I am in depression and every time I get up I get knocked down because I don’t know what I am getting up for. I don’t know if there is anything waiting for me. I don’t know what to do. This weight feels like a burden. I don’t know how to let it go.
I think I have an idea: I need to let go of my “friends”; the people I talked to in high school and college but didn’t really express myself. More like small talk because I was too afraid to share a part of me to someone I respected because they had better grades or money or a beach house or could get laid or was taller or was muscular or did not look afraid. I was hoping they would save me. They still haunt me, and in order to move up I must let them go. I must not respond if they reach out. I must ignore and forget them so I can stop them from continuing to haunt me. At least, stop myself. Yeah, I will try that.
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