I’m feeling fantastic

“I’m feeling fantastic…”, obviously I am talking about the song by King Princess because I feel depression and defeat but also invincibility. I know right; doesn’t make sense. Anyways, I want to write about season 2 episode 8 of Arcane. Specifically, about Violet and Caitlyn’s first sexual intercourse. I don’t know; something about the song and the tension between Caitlyn and Violet the whole show and their purpose, progress, challenges, and journey make me feel longing, sad, happy, ecstatic, alive. It feels important too me. It is not a good indicator that I became very emotionally invested in these characters and that I feel like I have no emotional connection to my family. Maybe the first is a result of the second. Maybe that is okay because that is the only way I can live. Or maybe, it is just temporary and it will get better but it will take time and I need to stop stressing. Anyways, I feel so happy and proud for Violet and Caitlyn. Their love and specifically this scene which is the climax of what the teasing relationship has lead up too is so beautiful. That is human. Obviously yes, I am a guy who is attracted to girls so this is a conflict of interest. I did like it as a intimate moment in that way, but believe me when I say that this moment was more important than that raw need. I don’t know, seeing Caitlyn and Violet finally have each other made me feel safe and loved in a way. Maybe I saw them as if they were my parents and truly loving each other and having that strong emotional connection made me feel like if I came home to them as my parents after a long and disappointing day, they would be there for me. They would be proud and treat me to a warm delicious meal. That fantasy makes me happy and warms my heart. It makes me feel fantastic. Maybe I see myself and my girlfriend at Caitlyn and Violet because we have such a strong connection and history. I am thankful for her. However, something about the physical adversary and similar values and purpose between Caitlyn and Violet ignite something in me. Maybe it is the slow tease between Violet and Caitlyn throughout both seasons enchants me. Maybe it is also the song. I do not know, but I do know I had to write this. It is a part of me I must express. Yes, it is taboo for a man to write this. I do not care because the pain of keeping this within myself, hiding because I am scared of what others think hurts more than any pain anyone can criticize out of me. That is my life. That is what I must deal with in a way that others might see as my lowest point and in a way yes, but knowing someone will kick me while I am down gives me all the strength to not care and hold back which is why I will always be free. I am free. I am fantastic. My body is chained by the expectations of society in the 21st century, but my mind is free. And I am grateful for that.