I am making another post because I must express myself and I still have a lot of feelings festering inside of me. I am in love; I am longing for characters in a show more than my own family; I am in pain because I want to never stop watching Arcane and Ekko and Powder and Jinx and I want to know they are okay. Spoilers for Arcane season two: Ekko and Heimerdinger get sent to a parallel universe where Violet dies, but Vander, Benzo, Claggor, and Mylo live. Damn it, I can’t let go of this scene where Ekko and Powder are dancing to the song Ma Meilleure Ennemie by Stromae, Pomme. I can’t let go because I feel it so much. I feel like I am Ekko and Powder and both of them. I feel them all. That scene is so beautiful but Ekko knows it’s not his original timeline. He knows he must return. And Powder misses Violet so much she is not fully there. Part of her stayed at the explosion and never let go. Sorry, I took a long detour and started watching so many YouTube videos of Arcane and fan edits. I guess what I wanted to say is that Ekko had to return to the original universe. The idea of Ekko, which is a person who does the right thing when everything was taken from him. Ekko as a person could have stayed in the second universe where Powder was his girlfriend and Benzo was still alive, but he knew he couldn’t let go of the original universe. He knew that even if he lived in the second universe where he had everything, he still wouldn’t be happy because he is the type of person who loves and never gives up. I guess I want to be like Ekko and at the same time I am scared. I don’t want to lose anything and I don’t want to give more of myself for others. I am scared. However, I also want to help others. Maybe the Amygdala part of my brain that feels sympathy for others is bigger which is why I have a savior or god complex. I don’t know, maybe I only feel alive and worth when I sacrifice myself for others. Maybe that is my curse, or maybe it is my blessing, and maybe I don’t have to choose. Maybe that is my destiny. I have an amazing girlfriend so it’s not like there’s this girl who I have an on an off relationship like Arcane. However, what makes me so sad is knowing that parallel universe’s exist and my girlfriend might be Jinx or Powder. I can’t put it clearly into words, but I guess I feel like Ekko and I don’t want to lose that most precious to me. I want everything and everyone to be alright. I want use to live peacefully and joyfully as one big community. I don’t want suffering to exist. I don’t want death. I don’t want pain anymore, from anyone or to anything. However, I know that that illusion does not exist. In order to get there, we must suffer. That scares me. I am a kid, even though I graduated from college and am not an adult. I want to live forever in this peaceful, loving, close-to-friends-families-and-friends fantasy. Maybe I am tired; maybe I am scared; maybe I am letting down people. However, one thing is certain: I am weak. That is my strength. In order to do great things in this world, I must be weak. I want to help others, and in order for them to heal they must also know I am with them. Writing this brings me risk. Not to my life but to my future for if anyone ever discovers this like an employer or family member who disapproves. I am writing to help myself with the wish that other people can find this and be helped. Alright, I will stop there but this has helped me and I hope someone else.
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